What comes first, the chicken or the egg? This philosophical question has plagued us for years. But now, I have another question. One that, objectively, is even more important: Which delivery company is best? It has recently been brought to my attention that some of our very own students prefer USPS over UPS. I know, it’s hard to read, and even harder to believe, but yes, it’s true. FedEx, USPS, and UPS (Amazon wasn’t added just to give the others a chance) truly dominate the delivery business of America while encouraging the wildly irresponsible spending of teens and adults. 

Now you may be asking what aspects are you basing this poll on, and to that I answer, only the most important. Now, what is the most crucial part of these companies? Is it delivery time? Truck size? Uniform colors? Knock pressure and pattern? Tan lines? To figure this out, a poll was taken of about 35 Boulder High students. These results will shock you.

Size matters, let’s not pretend it doesn’t. This brings us to the first question: Which delivery company has the best truck size? USPS has a little blue and white truck, with an eagle’s head on it. 35% of students chose USPS. UPS-the large brown and gold truck- got a minute 5%. Lastly FedEx-a white truck with a very cool logo- got the majority, with 60%. The average FedEx truck is about 22 feet long. How does this tie into who delivers best? Well, the answer is quite obvious. Whichever company carries more packages gets more done, increasing productivity, and getting your stuff to your house on time. USPS, with a minimum width of 90 inches, will not deliver your clothes as fast as the UPS truck with an average size of 26 feet!

After securing the win, FedEx goes on to the next championship: uniform. The most crucial part of a delivery company is if they can do it in style. Do you prefer the short brown shorts and top of UPS, the purple button-up of FedEx, or the blue button-down of USPS? The students prefer UPS by a landslide. A shocking 70% prefer those beautiful brown matching sets. USPS, predictably, came in dead last. Of course, the uniform also includes what is on the person (I’m talking about tan lines, baby). Those incredible knee-length socks leave the most handsome lines on the delivery folk. UPS took the win with a 90% preference rate. The combination of short shorts and long socks is truly amazing, proving that they are true fashion icons of America. 

Lastly, I judged this very important question, with types of knock patterns. Although most people prefer no knock, some need that knock. That little fix, a small pattern that lets you know that your irresponsible purchase has arrived. UPS once again won, with 99% of voters choosing it. They have an assertive, but respectful knock. Usually, about four pounds from these delivery people is sufficient and perfectly satisfying. 

So, which corporate business wins? Is it UPS with their amazing attire, or is it USPS with the eagle trucks? Well, the answer is FedEx. USPS came in last, with 25/35 students mentioning how often they lose packages. UPS was next— maybe it’s not the best delivery company, but the uniforms are undeniably attractive. The classy FedEx logo is just too hard for high school students to deny, winning not only this tournament, but our hearts.