I am Now a Famous Person

A normal person’s five-step guide to stardom

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The Owl

Get the Hollywood stars ready, because you are on the fast track to fame.

If I learned anything from the hit TV show Emily in Paris, it’s that fame is just one mediocre selfie away. While Emily’s rise to “influencer-dom” may have been exaggerated for dramatic effect, there has, in fact, been an uptick in perfectly talentless people achieving fame for doing entirely unremarkable things (TikTok, I’m looking at you). If Emily can achieve vapid fame, you can too! After strenuous research, I present a normal person’s five-step guide to stardom. 

1. Choose your hook

Our very own newspaper advisor, Mr. Wright, announced the other week that he’s launching himself into influencer-dom with his new signature look: lumberjack chic. This is crucial. Every famous person must be known for something (unless you’re the Kardashians and you’re just famous for being famous). Whether your hook is taking selfies in Paris à la Emily or becoming the next great TikTok star, it’s time to refine your elevator pitch.

Who would want to read a celebrity’s self-help book when they could read one by someone they’ve never heard of?! (The Owl)

 

2. Write a book

I just love it when non-famous people publish self-help books and write as though millions of fans were clamoring to know the secrets of their success. I don’t know how they even got a book deal, but you need to jump on that bandwagon and write a tell-all that will launch you into (literary) stardom. If you can’t manage several hundred pages of vapid advice, I suggest starting a blog and posting incessantly instead. 

3. @@@ and ### on all the socials

What is a famous person without a platform? Make sure to post post post and network network network on all your social media channels. (The Owl)

When someone drops a post of them at some super swanky event and says, “such an honor to support this wonderful cause, thank you for having me @charitygala xxx,” you know they’re the real deal. So next time you and your friends swing by a local coffee shop, snap a good photo of you holding their coffee and caption it with something along the lines of “@localcoffeeshop’s new cold brew keeps me going! check it out now at a location near you. lots of love, xxx.”

Similarly, if you ever see photos of people unpackaging new clothes, gear and/or equipment and captioning “so stoked about this new gear!! thanks as always to @skicompany for the support #skicompanyslogan,” feel free to do the same. When you get a 15 percent discount on your first order for becoming an email subscriber, take that as a brand partnership and generate lots of hype about your new purchases. Then we can all be #sponsored.

 

4. Name Drop

Everyone will tell you that name dropping is gauche, but they just don’t know how to do it right. You have to keep it smooth, slightly self-deprecating and totally nonchalant so that people get the impression that you’re completely unconcerned with how cool you are. Observe:

You: “So the other day I was hanging out with [famous person’s first name] and he said…wait, actually I signed an NDA so I can’t tell you. Anyway, for dinner last night, I had the most amazing pasta…”  Friend: [blissfully overlooks the fact that you are famous enough to sign a nondisclosure agreement and asks you more about the pasta.]

Friend: “I love your shoes!” You: “Oh, these old things? Thanks, [famous person’s first name] gave them to me ages ago after we went to Paris Fashion Week together.”

Friend: “Why are we at this store? You can’t afford anything in here.” You: “It’s so uncouth to talk about finances, don’t you think? Anyways, it’s [famous person’s first name]’s birthday next week and I just don’t know what to get them. The bar is so high with pop stars…” 

 

5. Walk the Walk and Talk the Talk (But Walking and Talking Together is Unnecessary)

I’m talking large sunglasses and baseball caps pulled low. It’s such an imposition to be famous, you know? So dreadful that you’re so recognizable you can’t even go to lunch without being spotted. (Also, calling the paparazzi on yourself is frowned upon by the A-Listers but totally acceptable for those still climbing the social ladder.) Simply put, you need to dedicate yourself to cultivating the aura of a famous person. When you walk by, your very manner of being turns heads. “Wow,” people say. “So incognito and self-aware. They must be famous.” 

If people don’t seem to get that your outfit is meant to keep you undercover instead of just conceal a bad hair day, it may be time to set the walk aside and focus on talking the talk. When someone lucky enough to be in your presence doesn’t seem to grasp your importance, there’s nothing wrong with a good old “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

If you’ve made it to the end of this article, you’re either truly desperate for fame or on a mission to catch out the fakers by gaining a complex understanding of their tactics. Either way, I wish you well. Fame is a minefield, but this list may just be your guide to the sunny skies of the universally adored.