In the midst of one of the largest health crises to hit the United States in several decades, many college and high school students are finding themselves faced with the same profound question: is a life worth living without the presence of parties? Recent developments in COVID-19 restrictions have made any form of gathering increasingly tricky. Masks are required. Only groups with less than ten people can be together at once, and social distancing of at least six feet is mandatory anywhere outside of your own home, effectively killing any remnants of the party spirit. But all hope is not lost! For those who can’t bear to be without their beloved ragers, we’ve compiled a list of recommendations to ensure any party thrown will not only be legendary but also 100% pandemic-friendly.*

Chances of COVID-19 transmission are substantially diminished when you’re in the great outdoors, so now is the ideal time to experiment with outdoor celebrations. Pick a night with high wind speeds to even further reduce the spread of airborne COVID-19 particles, or consider purchasing wind turbines to set up throughout the party. Since winter is quickly approaching, make sure everyone is well bundled up before the festivities begin!

Another pro-tip to ensure the safety of all of your guests is to lock everyone in your basement for the 14 days leading up to the party, effectively eliminating any possibility of having an infected company in attendance. If 14 days seems like too much of a commitment, consider hiring a bouncer to throw out anyone with a cough, high temperature, or weird vibes. 

Contrary to popular belief, mosh pits and social distancing can coexist! Although the six-foot separation between fellow moshers may seem awkward or inefficient in concept, as long as the music is turned up loud enough to distort reality, we guarantee nobody will even notice. The pandemic is also a great time to experiment with new party games! Since you’ll likely want to pass on spin the bottle, try other innovative alternatives, such as the well-loved party classic pong, reimagined for the pandemic using a custom six-foot-by-six-foot table.

We all know the best part of any party is the hook-ups and don’t worry – you can absolutely still get it on without risking the health of your bae. While kissing with masks may seem unusual, don’t be hesitant to give it a shot – we guarantee you won’t even notice a difference! Or skip out on the desperate passion altogether: there’s never been a better time to learn to love yourself. 

While drinking alcohol (especially underaged) is frowned upon by most researchers, and can considerably increase susceptibility to infection and mental decline, alcohol itself is a must-have at any pandemic gathering, given its effectiveness in killing the COVID-19 virus. Dowse every surface and person at the party with a nice strong beverage, and you’ll ensure that physical transmission is virtually nonexistent!

Lastly, take some inspiration from the chaos around you to develop a truly stellar party theme. Decorate your space with COVID-19-related paraphernalia, put out bowls of hand sanitizer in place of refreshments, and encourage your guests to come dressed appropriately, decked out in designer face masks and hazmat suits. Creating a playlist that fits the mood is absolutely essential, so don’t hesitate to crank up those quarantine anthems the second you have the chance (some tunes to get you started: Tyga’s “Bored in the House,” MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This,” Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive,” Fifth Harmony’s “Work From Home”). 

In the profound words of lyrical genius Nayvadius DeMun Wilburn, “Mask on.” 

*Disclaimer: The Owl Newspaper does not condone partying in the midst of a global pandemic. This article was created entirely for entertainment and is completely satirical. Any imitation of the suggestions in this article will likely result in the infection, and subsequent consequences, of you or a loved one. They will ensure the prolonged duration of a national quarantine. Please stay home and stay safe.