Warning: this article mentions accounts of relationship abuse that may be triggering or traumatic for some readers. Reader discretion is recommended.
Many teens and parents in the modern day are familiar with the concept of abusive relationships. Abusive partners are often portrayed in movies and TV shows as leering, violent criminals. Unfortunately, in real life, many abusers are not evil villains that clearly must be avoided. Many appear to be kind, caring, and polite partners… right up until the moment they’re not. As a result, one in three teenage girls in the US is a victim of dating abuse. Our responsibility as citizens is to remove the stigma around abusive relationships and keep ourselves and our friends safe.
But what is abuse anyway, and how do you recognize it in a relationship? For many teens, the TV show depiction of physical violence comes to mind first: hitting, slapping, shoving, or some other harmful physical contact. However, physical abuse can take other, less explicitly recognizable forms. Physical violence can include a partner grabbing you too hard or blocking the door when you try to leave, forms of physical intimidation that may not be clearly recognized as “abuse”. All physically violent actions are considered abusive, even if it doesn’t leave a mark or bruise. Any physical contact or intimidation that makes you feel unsafe is immediately unacceptable.
However, this is far from the only definition of abuse. In many toxic relationships, the abuser is not physical, and it can therefore be hard to recognize as “abuse”. What teens need to understand is that non-physical intimidation can be just as damaging and destructive as physical abuse. Your partner does not have to physically hurt you to be abusive. Abuse could be verbal–yelling at or insulting you–as well as emotional in the form of mind games, intimidation, and guilt-tripping or blaming you for the way your partner treats you. Controlling behavior, extreme jealousy, intimidation, threats, and sexual violence are also forms of abuse. All forms of abuse are wrong and harmful in a relationship.
There are also a multitude of unhealthy relationships with dangerous behaviors that may not be considered abusive. Unhealthy relationships can involve dishonesty, distrust, disrespect, trying to pressure or control you, and/or unequal treatment. Maybe your partner frequently calls or sends texts checking in on where you are and who you’re with. Perhaps they dictate who you can and can not see or spend time with, or they check your phone without your permission. A toxic or abusive partner might also try to stop you from leaving them by threatening to hurt themselves or someone else. While these behaviors might not fit in with any one definition of abuse, they are still harmful, unhealthy behaviors and no partner should treat you this way. If you feel you are being treated poorly, you most likely are, even if it might not qualify as “abuse”.
If anything feels off or wrong to you, the safest thing to do is address the problem before it becomes unsafe. Do not ignore it. Talk to your partner or remove yourself from the situation. Dating violence can affect many aspects of your life, from school to friendships and family relationships. It can cause you to perform poorly in school or sports, or turn to drugs or substances to deal with the stress. If you are in an abusive or harmful relationship, your fear and pain are valid and you deserve better. The key thing to remember is that healthy relationships make you feel good about yourself, not bad. Even if no one else thinks you’re being mistreated, it is one hundred percent okay to prioritize your health and address the problem.
Lastly, know that you are not alone in this. Sadly, abuse is much more common than people think. According to loveisrespect.org, 1 in 10 high school students has been intentionally hit, slapped, or hurt by a partner. Many more are victims of verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse. Nearly 1.5 million high school students report abuse from a dating partner every year. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, you are not alone. It isn’t shameful, and it isn’t your fault. You deserve better and you deserve help.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you need to get out of it. It can be very difficult to break up with an abuser, and it is completely normal to miss them. Just keep reminding yourself why you need to break up: to do what is best for you. Better relationships will be in your future–relationships that build you up and add to your life, not detract from it.
When or if you feel the need to break up with someone, it is entirely okay to leave them, even if they don’t want you to leave. Breaking up is the one thing in a relationship that you do not need the other person’s consent for. Don’t let your partner talk you out of it. It is your decision to keep yourself safe. Your safety and happiness is the top priority.
In the case that you are in immediate danger or feel unsafe breaking up with someone, there are other solutions and ways to get help. Reach out to a friend, parent, therapist, or counselor. The counselors and interventionists at Boulder High are always available to talk with you or connect you with organizations that may be better suited to help you.
If that feels too scary, there are many confidential and free resources available online. For specifically teenage relationships, visit loveisrespect.org to reach helplines and more information regarding dating violence. Call the National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline at 866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522. Additionally, the National Domestic Violence helpline is 800-799-7233, or you can text START to 88788. For emergency situations where you are in immediate danger, call 911 or the 24-hour crisis line for Domestic Violence Services at 800-833-1161. A quick Google search will also connect you with more websites that provide information about abusive relationships and even more ways to get help.
If you are being mistreated, know that you deserve better than a partner who harms or hurts you, and happy, healthy relationships are in your future. There is a way out and many resources are available to help you along your way. Even if your relationship is healthy, keep an eye out for abusive behaviors in your–and your friends’–relationships. Keep yourself and your friends safe! For more local resources, talk to a Boulder High counselor.
