In the summer of 2017, in a discovery that rocked the world of farm science, Krista McLennan of Northampton University found after years of grueling research that cows do indeed have best friends. In the study, McLennan put cows in a pen together, once with a random cow and once with the cow that they spend the most time with—their “best friend.” In these experiments, it was shown that “when paired with their best friend, the cows’ heart rates were significantly lower and they experienced less stress overall.” In a similar study, the University of British Columbia also found gold while looking for copper when they discovered that “young calves that live alone perform worse on tasks of cognitive skill than those that live with a buddy.”

These studies are absolutely groundbreaking when you think of the implications that they could have. If two cows can perform a skill better than one cow, then what about three cows, what about a whole squad of cows rolling up? When they put their heads together, would 1,000 cows be able to discover fire? Electricity? The internet? Would 1,000,000 best friend cows be able to take over the world? Is this discovery showing that the fate of the earth is total cowpocalypse? While the researchers never explicitly mentioned this possibility in their study, it seems likely that the only reason they neglected to do so was to avoid instilling fear in society, as it seems like the bovine era may already be upon us.

To figure out the truth, I turned to Boulder High School senior and cow expert Delaney Helgans. Helgans confirmed that a cow apocalypse could definitely be in the cards for our future. While she does note that, “the cows would need an exceptional leader, a sort of… Cow Jesus if you will, because cows must always follow the leader, that is the rule.” So how will this happen? Well, Helgans explains that cows have a sort of mob mentality, so if one cow wants to do something, the other cows do not question it. This mentality, along with the combined power of 1,000,000 best friends, will surely be enough to become unstoppable by any mortal being.

With the age of the cow seemingly only one Bovine Messiah away, it may seem like this haunting fate came upon us with no warning. However, looking back, we can see that a single nation figured it out long ago: India, where cows are treated as sacred, beautiful and perfect creatures, where cows are never slaughtered for meat or treated as second-class citizens. India has been judged over the years for this, shunned for being stinky, crowded and not having hamburgers at McDonald’s. (Seriously, they have McDonald’s—a fast-food chain whose’s main product is hamburgers—and they would not sell hamburgers.) People called them crazy, insane, absolutely bonkers. Now we may realize that they were the only ones that were truly all-knowing. Not murdering the future of this world in cold blood, but submitting, India is ready to kneel at the throne of the cow lord. 

Unfortunately, the brilliant scientists of the world may have discovered this evidence too late. Even with a thriving beef industry, it may be too late to fight back against the overwhelming herds of cows that will soon overrun the streets. The only thing we can do now is to heed the advice that the people of India recognized long ago. Now is not a time to prepare for war, but a time to surrender, lay down your arms and try to make amends with the cow population.

We as humans must accept that our time as the greatest species on the planet has come to an end and make way for the future. Cows having best friends seemed like such a fun discovery, a cute trait that makes these chumby boys even more lovable. Unfortunately, when we dig deeper, we see the true colors of this dangerous development. This can only be heard as a warning for all enemies of cows: make amends with the bovine overlords as soon as possible, because when 1,000,000 best friend cows come knocking at your door, you’d better hope they are coming in peace.