The Bodacious Boulder Bubble


Hannah Cohen

Due to Boulder’s increased rate of fentanyl-related deaths, Colorado’s “Good Samaritan” laws, which let people have some immunity from substance laws when reporting on overdoses, have never been more relevant.

Boulder is, has always been and will always be the best place to live. In fact, it has even been named the best place to live in Colorado (according to  Unshockingly, Boulder has been named the sixteenth best place to raise a family in America. Now, what makes our home so great? To be completely honest, it probably has something to do with the bubble that surrounds us, keeping all the outsiders from the other cities, such as Longmont and Lafayette, out of our beautiful town.

So who exactly can get into the Boulder Bubble? Well, that’s easy. Only the highest rank of people, with IQs well over 150. You must have at least a four-year college degree in order to move here. There are no exceptions. If you have a master’s or doctoral degree, even better. We have the highest level of education in Colorado for two reasons. Boulder has the smallest proportion of people with no schooling at 0.5 percent of the total population and is ranked #1. Second, it has the smallest proportion of people with less than a high school degree at 3.1 percent of the total population and is ranked #1. (

As soon as one steps into the Boulder Bubble, they are elevated to another level. Their IQ immediately rises to above 175, the male population above 40 but below 60 immediately takes an interest in cycling and wearing super tight tights. Everyone starts eating organic foods all day every day, especially kale. They start shopping at Whole Foods, caring little about the cost; the organic food is priceless. You know what they say: you are what you eat, and I don’t know about you, but I personally identify as kale. It’s not just your attitude and actions that are changed when you enter the Boulder Bubble; your whole environment changes. The air is cleaner—every time you breathe in you get a scent of sweet strawberries. The ground is softer—every step you take is like walking on a pillow. You can see clearly (now that the rain is gone) as if you had just eaten carrots non-stop for 16 years.

Now, you may have heard that Boulder has had trouble with accusations over elitism, being a tourist trap and lack of diversity. But just go ahead and ignore all of that, because the yearly 10k race and the Iron Man race will surely make up for it. If you think you are an accomplished marathoner, never fear, because every person in Boulder, adult or infant, has run at least 12 more marathons than you have. So if you are considering moving to Boulder, you must forget everything that you have heard about the issues with our humble home and focus on the irresistible races we host yearly.

Clearly, Boulder, Colorado is the best place to live in the whole world. It has everything from accomplished air to perfect people, and don’t forget the bodacious bubble that surrounds the city. Here in Boulder, we are better than everyone else in the country, and the world. So, if you are considering living anywhere else, you are wrong. Come on down to the beautiful Boulder Bubble that we call home, and you soon will.