Now Watch Me Whip (My Girl with a Goat)


Grace Schwab

Women love a traditional, chivalrous man. The type who would be real skilled at hunting and gathering in ye olden days.

Elijah Boykoff and Grace Schwab

Calling all the lonely young bachelors and bachelorettes! Are you struggling to find a valentine? Or, if you already have one, are you desperately searching for a creative and original way to celebrate them this Valentine’s Day? Well, search no further. This holiday season is the time to reflect back to old traditions — specifically, back to the traditions of the Romans, who supposedly created the holiday in the first place. 

Red roses, overpriced chocolate and sappy stationery weren’t even on their radar. Instead, from February 13th to 15th (3rd century AD), Roman men employed a more literal technique of hitting up the women in their lives. By hitting up, I mean that they quite literally hit them. These men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then used the hides to whip the women of the town. Young women would actually line up to be “gently whipped” because they believed it would make them fertile. If you haven’t yet found a spouse and you’re worried your child-bearing years coming to an end, being whipped may be a good option to extend the longevity of your fragile uterus and ensure you’ll have enough time to find a worthy mate. However, one may want to study up on the lives of those in the hit television series “Teen Moms” before opting for a high school pregnancy. The OWL strongly suggests that you take the more modern approach of hitting up the teen clinic for contraceptives for a spicy 21st century twist, rather than whipping your partner — unless of course you’re both into that. Additionally, consider livening up the spectacle by using a more exotic animal hide. Crocodile scales are sure to make your significant other scream with excitement. 

So instead of breaking the bank buying jewelry or making fancy dinner reservations, or sitting alone and eating icecream while rewatching The Notebook for the 80th time, try making this Valentine’s season more memorable by returning the roots of this sacred holiday.