With the predicted success of the Justice Department’s immigrant DNA extraction proposal, the Trump administration has decided to take things up a notch. This new proposal, if passed, would allow federal agents to clone nearly every immigrant detained in the U.S. — including those here seeking asylum.
Said Department of Homeland Security P.R. manager Maggie Melanoma, “We just don’t have enough space in our concentration ca–sorry–detention centers to keep holding these people indefinitely without trial. Cloning could really help us use our floorplans more efficiently.”
The plan, according to Melanoma, is simple: “We already have their DNA on file,” she told The OWL, “so really, it’s all about putting it through the machine. Then we stick the copies in storage for a while and dispose of the originals.”
If all goes to plan, this process could potentially free up 17 square feet for additional detainment purposes.
However, not everyone is fully on board with the informally-dubbed “Clone and Bone” proposal. Civil liberties activists have repeatedly condemned it, citing “god-forsaken human decency” and “not being terrible” as their primary reasons for doing so. San Francisco immigration attorney Lisa Lisason went into a bit more depth.
(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)
LISA LISASON: Jesus Christ, I can’t believe what this country is coming to. I thought this would be a good idea — you know, being an immigration attorney, helping people out, that kind of thing — but really everything just sucks all the time. Like, seriously. I’m not even kidding. I’m seriously ready to retire.
Lisason (who celebrated her twenty-fifth birthday last week) then reportedly downed an entire can of Red Bull, smashed the can against her forehead, and walked out the door. She left her computer, over which we had been conducting a Skype interview, on the table, where it continued to record an empty room for the next six hours before we lost its signal. According to local authorities, she has since been reported missing.
However, activists, attorneys and those of us still in possession of our souls aren’t the only ones advocating against this proposal. Physics major Joe Shmoe, who reportedly “took a philosophy class that one time,” said that many condemn it because the plan is “dumb” and “just really bad.”
When asked to elaborate, Shmoe went off on a poorly structured, hour-long rant about his philosophy professor.
“It’s the teleportation paradox, except worse,” he said, in one of the rare moments when he was actually answering a question we’d asked. “The clone’s not them, so it can’t stand trial for the stuff they’ve done. Plus, it’s a clone. They’re not gonna be exact copies — they’ll be babies. What’re they gonna do, try a bunch of babies for crossing the border without a permit?”
Following this rant, Shmoe stared into space for a solid minute, then sprinted out the door. Although we did manage to catch up with him eventually, he told us to “go away,” then walked into the street without a crosswalk and got hit by a dump truck.
Shmoe’s philosophy professor, a Dr. Harriet Lloyd, asked us why we interviewed Shmoe in the first place. “You do realize I’m an expert in this, right? You do realize Joe got a 48 percent on his last paper, right?”
When asked what she thought of the “Clone and Bone” proposal, Dr. Lloyd said that she’d “rather take a swim in a shark tank than see it implemented.”
“They’re killing people,” she told us. “They’re literally taking people, stealing their DNA, and then killing them. How the h*ll is this a legitimate proposal?”
‘Pro-Clone’ advocates referred us back to the improved floor plan. “This is just common sense,” said Fox News host Laura Ingraham. “It’ll free up 17 whole feet. The left is always complaining about how they don’t give these people enough space, about how it’s ‘inhumane’ to keep 50 people in one five by five room — this’ll give 17 more square feet to people waiting to be cloned, so I really don’t get why anyone would be against it.”
When questioned on the controversy surrounding the proposal, President Trump defended it, saying it’s the only logical step in stopping illegal immigration: “I don’t want to clone these people,” he told a gathering of his supporters that we managed to sneak into. “When you prosecute migrants for coming in illegally, which should happen, you have to clone them first to save space. We don’t have to prosecute them, but then we are not prosecuting them for coming in illegally. That’s not good.”
To learn more about the newly proposed federal rule allowing federal agents to collect DNA samples from detained immigrants and asylum-seekers, please google it or click on one of the links we so generously provided.